Video coming soon. The video teaching for Day 29 is still in production. Read the full lesson below, it will be added here as soon as it is ready.
In the mid-1980s, a broke, unknown comedian used to drive up to the top of Mulholland Drive at night and look out over a city that hadn't noticed him yet. His name was Jim Carrey. One night, he took out a checkbook and wrote himself a check for ten million dollars, memo line: "for acting services rendered." He post-dated it to Thanksgiving, 1995, years out, and carried it in his wallet for years. It got worn. It got soft at the folds. By the time Thanksgiving 1995 rolled around, he'd just been paid ten million dollars for a movie.
It was a private commitment he made to himself, alone, that nobody else knew about, and he carried it silently for years, and it shaped every choice he made until it finally came due.
You've written a check like that too. It's just not for ten million dollars. It's called a vow.
What an inner vow actually is
Not the kind you make at a wedding, though it's related. An inner vow is a promise you make to yourself, deep down, often without words, often without even realizing you made it.
When a boy gets hurt badly enough, he makes a decision, not with his head, with his gut. A silent commitment to protect himself from ever feeling that way again. "If the adults in my life won't protect me, I'll do it myself."
It sounds like:
- I'll never let anyone get that close again: nobody gets to see the real me.
- I'll always have somewhere to go when things get too hard: this is my escape.
- I'll deal with this on my own: I don't need anyone's help.
- I'm going to give myself what I deserve so I feel better.
- I've got to stay in control.
- I will never trust a woman.
Those feel like protection, don't they? Like survival strategies. And in the moment they were made, they probably were. A hurting kid does what he can to survive.
I've had a 45-year-old man sit in my office and cry because he heard his mom say under her breath, "Why don't you just go live somewhere else?" These are real.
You don't have to sort through this alone.
Join men walking the same six levels, in the same season, inside the community built for exactly this.
The problem is, you're not a kid anymore
That check has been sitting in your wallet ever since, quietly deteriorating, still shaping your choices, your relationships, your willingness to let God and other people in, without you even realizing it's still there.
- The vow that said "I'll never let anyone see the real me" is the reason you haven't told your wife the full truth.
- The vow that said "I'll always keep my options open" is the reason you sabotage progress right when you start gaining ground.
- The vow that said "I'm in control and I'll handle this alone" is the reason you keep declining to lean on your mentor.
You built the wall to keep pain out. But it's also keeping healing out.
"Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No.'"
Jesus was talking about honesty and not needing to swear oaths, but what you say to yourself tends to be what you act like is real. Inner vows are secret agreements. They carry spiritual weight. They are open doors in the spiritual realm.
Two things to do with them
#1: Recognize them. Look in the wallet of your brain and see what checks you wrote there. Ask Jesus to help you recognize it.
#2: Renounce them. They have to be renounced, not just recognized. You can't just see them and move on. Say it out loud, preferably with someone else present as a witness:
"I renounce the vow that ___," and then speak the truth of what God says instead.
Carrey's check cashed out into ten million dollars. Yours has been cashing out into isolation, secrecy, and shame every time it's come due. So today, we're not waiting for that check to mature. We're tearing it up before it cashes again.
This isn't a one-time thing for most men. The same vow surfaces in different areas of life. That's normal: you're doing deep work.
What to do today
Can you identify one or two inner vows you've made? Write them down. Then write the renunciation: "I renounce the vow that ______. In its place, I receive the truth that ______."
Share this with your accountability circle or mentor: that's James 5:16 in action. And if you've already told your wife, consider telling her this too, and asking her to pray with you over it.
Download the Spiritual Warfare Processing Guide (WLVS and Prayer Guide)This is Day 29 of Victory Over Pornography. Continue to Day 30 →